I haven't blogged in a long time...
Today I need somewhere to vent about the D-word..."Dysautonomia"...
This is completely interfering with my life and I don't know how to make people understand. If I said I was puking my guts out then people wouldn't question my need to stay home one morning... but when I'm otherwise inhabilitated and I miss part of my day I feel like a failure... and "I didn't feel good" sounds wimpy.
I don't even know how to fully describe what I feel physically at those times. I just feel like I'm dying. Like doing anything but laying down and sleeping is excruciatingly hard. My legs feel like lead...my back feels weak and some times my muscles burn like they would during an extreme workout. My arms feel like jello. Some times I'm nauseous (like today) and sometimes I have a headache... sometimes I have chest pain or feeling like I have to remind my body to breathe. Honestly, its a little different every time... and I have weird things going on that I don't understand... tingly fingers, ears ringing, odd aches and pains...And I just have so little energy!!
Mostly if I just sleep it will pass... Which I did this morning.
"Where were you this morning?" ....? How do I explain this to someone? Especially because I really don't like drawing a lot of attention to it, because I'm afraid I'll be seen as weak or lazy or weird or crazy. "oh, I didn't feel good..." And I start hearing in my head what I think is going through their heads and its not good.
I just wish I didn't have this.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Living the Dream!
Here is my CELEBRATORY blog post! I have raised 100% of my support goal!!
Its supposed to feel like a huge weight off my shoulders and it does! ...but its not a completely closed chapter in my life since I still have to raise another 5% for a 'safety net' and will ultimately be living off, and therefore raising support for the rest of my time with C.O. I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around the reality that I'm out of the wilderness of support raising and I get to start on campus next Monday after Spring Break. BUT overall, its exciting! It feels like such a treat! A gift from God... just like my salvation! I'd love to be able to be at 105% by next Monday so its completely off my radar for awhile.
In other news -- I completely love my life. I could have been quoted saying "The only way my life could be better is if I was done raising support" ... well guess what! My life couldn't be any better! I'm in love with Florence, my church Redeemer (going through the New Members class in a few weeks!), my apartment, my roomies, my friends here.... and I love my sweet family that still loves me and is for me at home in Birmingham, and in Illinois. I've never been more content in my singleness, with no hint of bitterness in it. I'm livin' my dream! :) :)
I've got nothing that I HAVE to do today... which means I get to do a lot of stuff that I want to. And since I am an ESTP, I'm excited to just see what happens. I'm going to enjoy doing whatever it is I feel like doing and what the moment calls for. No to-do list for this girl-- and just watch how productive I'll be. Take that you J's!!
Here are my options: I'm currently reading 3 different books, with a 4th book (about myers briggs) that I've been studying a lot lately that I'd like to look at today... I'd like to finish organizing my bathroom and junk. I'd love to hang up all my awesome mirrors on my awesome mirror wall that I'm creating... I also have some TV to catch up on since I've been working on support all day everyday! haha!
I may do those things, or none of those things. and I love that. :)
Its supposed to feel like a huge weight off my shoulders and it does! ...but its not a completely closed chapter in my life since I still have to raise another 5% for a 'safety net' and will ultimately be living off, and therefore raising support for the rest of my time with C.O. I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around the reality that I'm out of the wilderness of support raising and I get to start on campus next Monday after Spring Break. BUT overall, its exciting! It feels like such a treat! A gift from God... just like my salvation! I'd love to be able to be at 105% by next Monday so its completely off my radar for awhile.
In other news -- I completely love my life. I could have been quoted saying "The only way my life could be better is if I was done raising support" ... well guess what! My life couldn't be any better! I'm in love with Florence, my church Redeemer (going through the New Members class in a few weeks!), my apartment, my roomies, my friends here.... and I love my sweet family that still loves me and is for me at home in Birmingham, and in Illinois. I've never been more content in my singleness, with no hint of bitterness in it. I'm livin' my dream! :) :)
I've got nothing that I HAVE to do today... which means I get to do a lot of stuff that I want to. And since I am an ESTP, I'm excited to just see what happens. I'm going to enjoy doing whatever it is I feel like doing and what the moment calls for. No to-do list for this girl-- and just watch how productive I'll be. Take that you J's!!
Here are my options: I'm currently reading 3 different books, with a 4th book (about myers briggs) that I've been studying a lot lately that I'd like to look at today... I'd like to finish organizing my bathroom and junk. I'd love to hang up all my awesome mirrors on my awesome mirror wall that I'm creating... I also have some TV to catch up on since I've been working on support all day everyday! haha!
I may do those things, or none of those things. and I love that. :)
Friday, January 6, 2012
Sufficient Redundancy--Continued
So, I'm back with more time to finish out my thoughts on the fact that Jesus taught his disciples to pray "Give us this DAY our DAILY bread."
In meditating on this line... I like to look at what it doesn't say... it doesn't say:
"Give us this day all the bread we'll need for this month."
"Give us this day some bread that we have to figure out when to use."
"Give us our daily bread at some point."
This verse is implying that God wants us to talk to him about what we need on a daily basis! And he wants to provide what we need on a daily basis!! Its saying we can receive from God everyday and its implying that the portion we'll get is exactly what we'll need for today! If I believe that Jesus knows what he's talking about... then I can trust that this will happen. I do not have to worry. He just wants to have a running dialogue with me. God is a relational being-- Just like we are! Just like I am... Let's have a daily relationship with him!
So, God has used a handful of situations in the past few days to show me this. You may think they seem silly... or coincidental. But I believe that God is a big God who had the power to create everything, therefore he has the power to play a role in every detail of my life... leaving no coincidences.
Tuesday night, I went to dinner with a friend. While we were catching up on life, we had no idea that I had left my headlights on. 2 hours later we come back to a dead car battery. Somehow, my keys got stuck in the ignition... so I couldn't get them out to unlock the trunk (which wouldn't pop) to get the jumper cables!
Now, this was happening before I listened to the seminar on prayer. So, of course I'm praying that we'll be able to get my car going again... but I'm also upset because I was supposed to drive to Florence the next day. (I was worrying about tomorrow!) Shortened version of this story: After trying and trying and trying...and after thinking we might have a bigger problem besides the battery... We got my car working again! As if nothing had ever happened! On that day... I had been blessed with friends and family who were helping me and checking on me, and a AAA man who could do the job. And ultimately, let's face it. I'm blessed to have a car in the first place!
On Wednesday, I travelled up to Florence, [that's when I listened to the seminar and prayed so much and began meditating on this verse to begin with) I had my phone glued to my hand like always. Thanks to my phone I was able to use GPS to find my way, and communicate with the people I was going there to see. Soon after that, my phone just quit working. The screen was completely blank. I could still hear it receiving text messages and phone calls... but I could do nothing about it. I was quick to tell myself... "okay... you don't NEED a cell phone... don't be a spoiled brat about this. God is giving you what you need today..." But I was also pissed about my phone not working and worrying about the drive back home to Birmingham the next day. (What about GPS then? what about the fact that just the night before my car was messed up! I don't want to be stranded on the interstate with no cell phone!!) But I put my faith in God's care and prayed again. "Give me this day my daily bread". I just accepted the fact that, contrary to what I wanted (my phone to WORK!) it obviously wasn't what I needed. I had friends with cell phones that allowed me to contact my family so they wouldn't be worried, and to communicate with Verizon about the situation. To my relief and gratefulness we got a new phone ordered. But, I wouldn't get it in the mail til Friday morning... leaving me to still trust that God would give me my daily bread tomorrow. I didn't love the fact that I was going to go 2 days without my cell phone, but my needs were met for that day. I just prepared myself to trust that same promise for the next day.
Thursday morning, I woke up with an understanding that, phone or no phone, I'd be taken care of. Sure enough, my phone was still not working. But it wasn't 10 minutes... before it mysteriously just WORKED! So, I was able to communicate with the 8 (yes, eight) people that I needed to that morning. And I was able to GPS my way back home. He had provided my daily bread again. And today, I should be getting a brand new, better phone in the mail.
There are a hundred more details that I could share of smaller complications on these days.. but ultimately I think my point is clear.
We should pray: Give us this DAY our DAILY bread.
Because God wants to give us what we need today.
For all you tweeps... you should follow @firstworldpains ... it is meant to be funny... but I find it to be humbling more than anything. We are so spoiled.
(Side note: Of course I believe in planning, and budgeting, and being wise in your decisions... I think
God wants us to do these things. But, we are called to trust in Him... not our plans and our budgets. He wants to show himself faithful to us. We need to rely on him, not on ourselves!)
In meditating on this line... I like to look at what it doesn't say... it doesn't say:
"Give us this day all the bread we'll need for this month."
"Give us this day some bread that we have to figure out when to use."
"Give us our daily bread at some point."
This verse is implying that God wants us to talk to him about what we need on a daily basis! And he wants to provide what we need on a daily basis!! Its saying we can receive from God everyday and its implying that the portion we'll get is exactly what we'll need for today! If I believe that Jesus knows what he's talking about... then I can trust that this will happen. I do not have to worry. He just wants to have a running dialogue with me. God is a relational being-- Just like we are! Just like I am... Let's have a daily relationship with him!
So, God has used a handful of situations in the past few days to show me this. You may think they seem silly... or coincidental. But I believe that God is a big God who had the power to create everything, therefore he has the power to play a role in every detail of my life... leaving no coincidences.
Tuesday night, I went to dinner with a friend. While we were catching up on life, we had no idea that I had left my headlights on. 2 hours later we come back to a dead car battery. Somehow, my keys got stuck in the ignition... so I couldn't get them out to unlock the trunk (which wouldn't pop) to get the jumper cables!
Now, this was happening before I listened to the seminar on prayer. So, of course I'm praying that we'll be able to get my car going again... but I'm also upset because I was supposed to drive to Florence the next day. (I was worrying about tomorrow!) Shortened version of this story: After trying and trying and trying...and after thinking we might have a bigger problem besides the battery... We got my car working again! As if nothing had ever happened! On that day... I had been blessed with friends and family who were helping me and checking on me, and a AAA man who could do the job. And ultimately, let's face it. I'm blessed to have a car in the first place!
On Wednesday, I travelled up to Florence, [that's when I listened to the seminar and prayed so much and began meditating on this verse to begin with) I had my phone glued to my hand like always. Thanks to my phone I was able to use GPS to find my way, and communicate with the people I was going there to see. Soon after that, my phone just quit working. The screen was completely blank. I could still hear it receiving text messages and phone calls... but I could do nothing about it. I was quick to tell myself... "okay... you don't NEED a cell phone... don't be a spoiled brat about this. God is giving you what you need today..." But I was also pissed about my phone not working and worrying about the drive back home to Birmingham the next day. (What about GPS then? what about the fact that just the night before my car was messed up! I don't want to be stranded on the interstate with no cell phone!!) But I put my faith in God's care and prayed again. "Give me this day my daily bread". I just accepted the fact that, contrary to what I wanted (my phone to WORK!) it obviously wasn't what I needed. I had friends with cell phones that allowed me to contact my family so they wouldn't be worried, and to communicate with Verizon about the situation. To my relief and gratefulness we got a new phone ordered. But, I wouldn't get it in the mail til Friday morning... leaving me to still trust that God would give me my daily bread tomorrow. I didn't love the fact that I was going to go 2 days without my cell phone, but my needs were met for that day. I just prepared myself to trust that same promise for the next day.
Thursday morning, I woke up with an understanding that, phone or no phone, I'd be taken care of. Sure enough, my phone was still not working. But it wasn't 10 minutes... before it mysteriously just WORKED! So, I was able to communicate with the 8 (yes, eight) people that I needed to that morning. And I was able to GPS my way back home. He had provided my daily bread again. And today, I should be getting a brand new, better phone in the mail.
There are a hundred more details that I could share of smaller complications on these days.. but ultimately I think my point is clear.
We should pray: Give us this DAY our DAILY bread.
Because God wants to give us what we need today.
| |||
For all you tweeps... you should follow @firstworldpains ... it is meant to be funny... but I find it to be humbling more than anything. We are so spoiled.
(Side note: Of course I believe in planning, and budgeting, and being wise in your decisions... I think
God wants us to do these things. But, we are called to trust in Him... not our plans and our budgets. He wants to show himself faithful to us. We need to rely on him, not on ourselves!)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Sufficient Redundancy
My awesome new roommate is on a blogging kick. I'm so glad because I'm hoping it will remind me that I have one too! I want to utilize it more! As I've written on here before... I'm becoming inconsistently consistent, which is better than consistently inconsistent. In 2010 I wrote 3 blogs, all in the month of May. In 2011, I wrote 3 blogs... spread out throughout the year. Lets see what 2012 does!
I've been learning so much lately. Too much to document it all. But, I thought I'd share just what I've learned in the last 24 hours.
Yesterday I listened to a seminar by Olan Stubbs on www.conationalconference.com (shoutout!) about prayer. I'm always looking for some solid teaching on this subject. I know a lot of the "right answers" to the questions that come up in my heart about prayer...yet my mind still runs in those circles that can leave me confused. The understanding of the 'right answers' play tug of war with these thoughts: If God already knows what I want... why do I have to pray it? If God's going to do His will and not mine, then isn't it a waste of time? I already know he's loving and is going to take care of me... So, I'll just let him do his thing. Why should I tell him how to run my life?? If God doesn't relate to me based on what I do, then I can't earn things from him by being a good pray-er... And, he's not a magic lamp in the sky... Praying for things is just treating him like one. Besides... when I pray I start to feel like I deserve the answer. So doesn't praying lead me away from the gospel instead of towards it??
Normally I fight these thoughts against prayer WITH prayer. Luckily I've always been able to be blunt and honest and raw with God. I pray- "God, I don't get this. But I want to. Change that in me! And despite the fact that my heart doesn't understand...Your word says that you want me to pray, so here I am."
Don't get me wrong here... I have had many great, fruitful, meaningful and relational seasons of prayer. I actually kick myself for not being faithful to pray, when He has always been so faithful to answer every time!
When I heard Olan talk about the relational side of prayer it was not news to me. My heart was even giving some 'amens!' I know that the purpose and answer to those questions are to align my heart with God's heart.
I listened to this seminar on a 2.5 hour drive... so when I was done, I had plenty of time to pray through what I learned. I noticed that I was able to pray really confidently about small details of my life. "Lord... I have no idea if I have the right amount of air in my tires... just... let it be right." Why was it so easy for me to pray a prayer like that... when I could also admit it seemed silly?! And, when it was time to pray "Lord, please finish my support. Please help me to get to 80% this month." or even bolder... "Let me reach 105% this month!" ... when it was time to pray that.. I couldn't do so with as much confidence.
Well... I asked myself that question. I asked God that question. What I started to realize was this: If my tires exploded right then and there on the interstate and I was stranded... I'd still be confident that He was still God, He was still good, and He was working that situation out for my benefit.
I remember a time when I couldn't do that. In my constant effort to sort through this difficulty in the area of prayer... I have prayed that he would help me pray more confidently. He answered that prayer! I'm not afraid to ask for those little things, because I don't have to fear that if I don't get an answer it might shake my faith!
So... why don't I have that same confidence in that big prayer? It occurred to me that if that super specific prayer wasn't answered... it might rock that boat a little bit. My thoughts would be: "God! What the heck?! What I asked for was a good thing! Its a thing you should want too! Why are you not giving it to me? Are you really good? Cause that kind of seems like a jerk move. My prayer was good, and your answer was not... "
WOW. How revealing! So now that God showed that to me... I was able to pray "Lord, give me an understanding that no matter what answer you give me to my big prayers You are God, You are good! I have a reason sing! I have a reason to worship!! My outlook had completely changed! I was borderline wanting to pray "God, Don't finish my support! So I can love you for it!" (whattt? that's absurd?! You mean, I'd rather have the giver? not the gift?) This helped me apply what Olan explained so well... God is not like a coke machine. You don't get to just put in a prayer and get out an answer. But you want to know why? Cause you don't have to get intimate with a coke machine... until it doesn't give you your coke. That's when you start wrestling with it, beating it, cussin it, and stay right by it until you get your coke. When God does that, he's not being mean... He's being relational. If the goal is to get God, not his gifts... then sometimes with holding the gifts helps us get God. What a better blessing!
This is helping me repent of the areas in which I'd rather have the creation, not the creator. Thank you, God for this grace!
Olan also mentioned the quote "Pray until you pray" -- Thats what this was all about.
Ya know, this was only ONE of at least 2 big lessons he taught me in the last 24 hours.
I'm getting a lot out of what Olan pointed out about the line "Give us this day our daily bread" ...give us this DAY? our DAILY bread? Why so repetitive? I prayed that probably 15 times yesterday.. just meditating on it and trying to soak a lot out of it. Give me today what I need today... If you'd like to know those details holla at me... cause even though that was the point I was leading to in this whole thing (and the reasoning behind the title of this entry) I've been writing this out for forever and I gotta get on with my day. Maybe I'll come back and finish out these thoughts later... but lets be honest... I might not be back for another 6 months.
God is God. He is Good. We have a reason to sing, we have a reason to worship!!
I've been learning so much lately. Too much to document it all. But, I thought I'd share just what I've learned in the last 24 hours.
Yesterday I listened to a seminar by Olan Stubbs on www.conationalconference.com (shoutout!) about prayer. I'm always looking for some solid teaching on this subject. I know a lot of the "right answers" to the questions that come up in my heart about prayer...yet my mind still runs in those circles that can leave me confused. The understanding of the 'right answers' play tug of war with these thoughts: If God already knows what I want... why do I have to pray it? If God's going to do His will and not mine, then isn't it a waste of time? I already know he's loving and is going to take care of me... So, I'll just let him do his thing. Why should I tell him how to run my life?? If God doesn't relate to me based on what I do, then I can't earn things from him by being a good pray-er... And, he's not a magic lamp in the sky... Praying for things is just treating him like one. Besides... when I pray I start to feel like I deserve the answer. So doesn't praying lead me away from the gospel instead of towards it??
Normally I fight these thoughts against prayer WITH prayer. Luckily I've always been able to be blunt and honest and raw with God. I pray- "God, I don't get this. But I want to. Change that in me! And despite the fact that my heart doesn't understand...Your word says that you want me to pray, so here I am."
Don't get me wrong here... I have had many great, fruitful, meaningful and relational seasons of prayer. I actually kick myself for not being faithful to pray, when He has always been so faithful to answer every time!
When I heard Olan talk about the relational side of prayer it was not news to me. My heart was even giving some 'amens!' I know that the purpose and answer to those questions are to align my heart with God's heart.
I listened to this seminar on a 2.5 hour drive... so when I was done, I had plenty of time to pray through what I learned. I noticed that I was able to pray really confidently about small details of my life. "Lord... I have no idea if I have the right amount of air in my tires... just... let it be right." Why was it so easy for me to pray a prayer like that... when I could also admit it seemed silly?! And, when it was time to pray "Lord, please finish my support. Please help me to get to 80% this month." or even bolder... "Let me reach 105% this month!" ... when it was time to pray that.. I couldn't do so with as much confidence.
Well... I asked myself that question. I asked God that question. What I started to realize was this: If my tires exploded right then and there on the interstate and I was stranded... I'd still be confident that He was still God, He was still good, and He was working that situation out for my benefit.
I remember a time when I couldn't do that. In my constant effort to sort through this difficulty in the area of prayer... I have prayed that he would help me pray more confidently. He answered that prayer! I'm not afraid to ask for those little things, because I don't have to fear that if I don't get an answer it might shake my faith!
So... why don't I have that same confidence in that big prayer? It occurred to me that if that super specific prayer wasn't answered... it might rock that boat a little bit. My thoughts would be: "God! What the heck?! What I asked for was a good thing! Its a thing you should want too! Why are you not giving it to me? Are you really good? Cause that kind of seems like a jerk move. My prayer was good, and your answer was not... "
WOW. How revealing! So now that God showed that to me... I was able to pray "Lord, give me an understanding that no matter what answer you give me to my big prayers You are God, You are good! I have a reason sing! I have a reason to worship!! My outlook had completely changed! I was borderline wanting to pray "God, Don't finish my support! So I can love you for it!" (whattt? that's absurd?! You mean, I'd rather have the giver? not the gift?) This helped me apply what Olan explained so well... God is not like a coke machine. You don't get to just put in a prayer and get out an answer. But you want to know why? Cause you don't have to get intimate with a coke machine... until it doesn't give you your coke. That's when you start wrestling with it, beating it, cussin it, and stay right by it until you get your coke. When God does that, he's not being mean... He's being relational. If the goal is to get God, not his gifts... then sometimes with holding the gifts helps us get God. What a better blessing!
This is helping me repent of the areas in which I'd rather have the creation, not the creator. Thank you, God for this grace!
Olan also mentioned the quote "Pray until you pray" -- Thats what this was all about.
Ya know, this was only ONE of at least 2 big lessons he taught me in the last 24 hours.
I'm getting a lot out of what Olan pointed out about the line "Give us this day our daily bread" ...give us this DAY? our DAILY bread? Why so repetitive? I prayed that probably 15 times yesterday.. just meditating on it and trying to soak a lot out of it. Give me today what I need today... If you'd like to know those details holla at me... cause even though that was the point I was leading to in this whole thing (and the reasoning behind the title of this entry) I've been writing this out for forever and I gotta get on with my day. Maybe I'll come back and finish out these thoughts later... but lets be honest... I might not be back for another 6 months.
God is God. He is Good. We have a reason to sing, we have a reason to worship!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)