Wow, it has been quite a day.
(I'm having a night of extreme tiredness yet insomnia...it's like I'm so tired that my brain doesn't want to function or be productive in anyway... but I could probably go run a mile right now. It's annoying. I keep typing like have a sentence and then stopping for a full minute before I can complete a thought. So excuse me if this is ridiculous in grammar, typos, or repetitiveness... Good thing I have spell check!)
Anyways, as I was laying in bed trying to sleep I was thinking about how great God is. So, I thought I'd share.
I'd like to preface this with some truth that we may understand with our minds, yet tend to run from in our hearts. Because of Christ's work on the cross, we no long have to work to earn God's forgiveness or love. Because "It is finished!" There is weight of sin that was taken off of us and placed on Christ... so we no longer have anything to dig ourselves out from underneath. A true believer understands that God's acceptance and affection for us is not based on our ability to uphold any level of perfection. This something that has been written on my heart. Yet, there are many situations that pull me into the direction of subconsciously believing otherwise.
I'm not a 'got it all together' kinda girl. I don't make my bed. I don't always fold my clothes... I don't always go to bed or wake up at normal hours. I'm the most productive at the last minute, so it always seems like I'm not on the ball about stuff... I don't like locking myself into strict schedules... I watch junk on TV. I don't like to admit to myself that I'm not very punctual nor am I the best driver on the road... And, these are just shallow surface-y things. When I think about what I "should' be like... I think about people who do those things that I don't. I start comparing myself to other people, instead of comparing myself to Christ- which would humble me and bring me back to the gospel.
In those times when I'm bogged down by what I'm not doing well... My heart doesn't believe that God can really be pleased by me. I know what's true... so I pray that God would help me believe the truth that He does not judge me based on what I do, but on what Christ has done.
Just last night... I was also laying in bed trying to sleep.. and I was praying that exact prayer.
Since last October I've been raising financial support to work with Campus Outreach. It was understood from the beginning that I wouldn't know what campus I'd be at until I raised 80% of my goal. I have been so extremely grateful to have someone else- a sweet friend of mine - going through the same process as me!! We started around the same time, and have travelled the ups and downs of this together! Countless times, we have thanked God for one another. Yesterday, she found out what campus she'd be going to!! It was so exciting! I couldn't be more happy for her!
But later, the Accuser was trying to make me believe that if I had DONE more.. put forth more effort... crossed more t's and dotted more i's... then I wouldn't have been left in the dust in support raising and I could be placed on a campus now too... it was working.
So last night, I was praying that the Lord would make my heart believe His word... that his gifts and blessings weren't contingent on how well I perform. Ultimately, HE is in control. I can't say the wrong thing to the right people, or the right thing to the wrong people. He is orchestrating the details of my support raising like a symphony with a perfect tempo... with all the dissonance and resolve placed perfectly to make it beautiful. "God, help me to believe that your not keeping me from getting to 80% and from knowing where I'll be because of how well or how poorly I've performed my support raising duties...Help me to be faithful in them! But, not look to them as the cause and effect of your love"
...
Well, I was tossing and turning until well after 3. Next thing I knew, it was morning and my phone was ringing... After 3 missed calls and a text message, I snapped out of my coma -- They wanted to make it official. I was placed on a campus EARLY!
It took hours for the news to really sink in... So many details and so much excitement!! I was not expecting to get this news for a long time -- I was supposed to find pledges to cover 23% of my goal first!
I didn't have to DO one more thing in order to get this sweet gift from God. He wanted to show me that.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Walking Blindly
I remember hearing several metaphors growing up that I took literally. For example, my very first favorite song (was released in 1990 so I was only about 2) was "Put Yourself in My Shoes" by Clint Black... its a clever song about seeing things from each others perspective to work out your problems, with a witty line 'if I could only put myself in your shoes, I'd walk right back to me' Well, as a non-2 year old, I understand what this line is supposed to mean, but at the time-- I vividly remember picturing Clint Black walking around in red high-heels.
Also, 'listen with your heart' I think I got this one from Pocahontas... I remember sitting on the steps of my back porch with my fingers in my ears, trying to drown out the noise of everything else besides my heart. Obviously, I didn't hear anything.
Luckily I never experimented with "walking by faith and not by sight" as a young kid. Coulda been bad. But lately, I've been learning so much about what it means to do that.
I've been raising support to work with Campus Outreach for over 6 months. Before I started, I said I was excited about the challenge it would bring because I knew I'd have no other options but to depend on the Lord. Boy, has that been true. I was well trained in how to do it, and I knew what needed to be done, but I had to lean on the Lord to keep me going, and to produce results. In a way, I was walking by faith... but I was also walking by sight. I could see how results were possible and probable. But now, as my contact list is looking trim, I'm being forced to walk by faith alone.
This is really scary. And now would be the time I would expect myself to be super discourage and near a meltdown. Instead, I am learning so much about faith, that I am welcoming this. Of course I've had faith in things before. But its definition was intangible to me. And although its hard to put into words here, I'm seeing the act of having faith take form.
I could consider my first priority be support raising. But ultimately, my first priority is to fix my eyes on Him. He will guide my steps as I continue to work toward my goal.
I have faith that the Lord will provide for me to do His will. I cannot see how He will do it. But I believe He is at work.
The words of this song perfectly describe this:
"By faith the church was called to go
In the power of the Spirit to the lost
To deliver captives and to preach good news
In every corner of the earth
We will stand as children of the promise
We will fix our eyes on Him our soul's reward
Till the race is finished and the work is done
We'll walk by faith and not by sight
By faith this mountain shall be moved
And the power of the gospel shall prevail
For we know in Christ all things are possible
For all who call upon His name"
- 'By Faith' by Keith and Kristyn Getty
Also, 'listen with your heart' I think I got this one from Pocahontas... I remember sitting on the steps of my back porch with my fingers in my ears, trying to drown out the noise of everything else besides my heart. Obviously, I didn't hear anything.
Luckily I never experimented with "walking by faith and not by sight" as a young kid. Coulda been bad. But lately, I've been learning so much about what it means to do that.
I've been raising support to work with Campus Outreach for over 6 months. Before I started, I said I was excited about the challenge it would bring because I knew I'd have no other options but to depend on the Lord. Boy, has that been true. I was well trained in how to do it, and I knew what needed to be done, but I had to lean on the Lord to keep me going, and to produce results. In a way, I was walking by faith... but I was also walking by sight. I could see how results were possible and probable. But now, as my contact list is looking trim, I'm being forced to walk by faith alone.
This is really scary. And now would be the time I would expect myself to be super discourage and near a meltdown. Instead, I am learning so much about faith, that I am welcoming this. Of course I've had faith in things before. But its definition was intangible to me. And although its hard to put into words here, I'm seeing the act of having faith take form.
I could consider my first priority be support raising. But ultimately, my first priority is to fix my eyes on Him. He will guide my steps as I continue to work toward my goal.
I have faith that the Lord will provide for me to do His will. I cannot see how He will do it. But I believe He is at work.
The words of this song perfectly describe this:
"By faith the church was called to go
In the power of the Spirit to the lost
To deliver captives and to preach good news
In every corner of the earth
We will stand as children of the promise
We will fix our eyes on Him our soul's reward
Till the race is finished and the work is done
We'll walk by faith and not by sight
By faith this mountain shall be moved
And the power of the gospel shall prevail
For we know in Christ all things are possible
For all who call upon His name"
- 'By Faith' by Keith and Kristyn Getty
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Somewhere in between Consistently Inconsistent and Inconsistently Consistent.
A couple weeks ago I found one of the many journals I kept as a kid. This one was very similar to all the others. It started with a decent entry... then the next page i had drawn several flowers... the rest was empty.
Its been 9 months since I've written a post on here. Typical.
It'd be typical for me to say "A lot has changed, but a lot has stayed the same"... but really, just a lot has changed. Everyday I get farther away from life on campus as a student and closer to life on campus as a...non-student. This in between part is weird.
In the last 9 months, I was a Team Leader at SBPX, had the best summer I've ever had...ever. I graduated from the University of Montevallo with a Foreign Language degree. That's fitting, since Spanish is still foreign to me. I have been on the road toward raising my support to go on staff with Campus Outreach, and I've raised 18.8% of it. I've worked at a Waffle House and a Daycare.
You could describe my life as consistently inconsistent. In the past, I struggled with not finishing things that I started. That's something I've wanted to grow in for a while. I'd say now.. I have become more consistent. I am moving toward being the type of person who finishes what she starts. I am consistent now... just inconsistently.
Now, if that isn't just a bunch of babble, I don't know what is.
Its been 9 months since I've written a post on here. Typical.
It'd be typical for me to say "A lot has changed, but a lot has stayed the same"... but really, just a lot has changed. Everyday I get farther away from life on campus as a student and closer to life on campus as a...non-student. This in between part is weird.
In the last 9 months, I was a Team Leader at SBPX, had the best summer I've ever had...ever. I graduated from the University of Montevallo with a Foreign Language degree. That's fitting, since Spanish is still foreign to me. I have been on the road toward raising my support to go on staff with Campus Outreach, and I've raised 18.8% of it. I've worked at a Waffle House and a Daycare.
You could describe my life as consistently inconsistent. In the past, I struggled with not finishing things that I started. That's something I've wanted to grow in for a while. I'd say now.. I have become more consistent. I am moving toward being the type of person who finishes what she starts. I am consistent now... just inconsistently.
Now, if that isn't just a bunch of babble, I don't know what is.
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