In Sickness and in Health.

At the beginning of 2010, I was diagnosed with dysautonomia.

Dysautonomia is a dysfunction of the Autonomic Nervous System. This nervous system controls all of the "automatic" bodily functions, such as heart rate, digestion, breathing, and sleeping patterns. It consists of two parts: the sympathetic and the parasympathetic system. The sympathetic system controls the reactions that would be needed to escape danger or cope with stress, while the parasympathetic system controls the "quiet" body functions. So: the sympathetic system gets us ready for action, while the parasympathetic system gets us ready for rest. Normally, these systems are in perfect balance, from moment to moment, depending on the body's instantaneous needs. This isn't the case for me. My autonomic nervous system loses that balance and one of these systems inappropriately dominates. My symptoms include frequent vague but disturbing aches and pains, faintness, fatigue, poor exercise tolerance, dizziness, irregular heartrate, blood pressure, and breathing, and anxiety. I've been told that sufferers of dysautonomia can experience many different clusters of symptoms at one time, and another set of symptoms as other times. The symptoms are fleeting and unpredictable. This causes MUCH frustration. Most of the time I don't know when I'm having trouble with my dysautonomia, and when I'm being a wuss or a cop out. Some days I wake up, and I'm angry that I don't feel normal, and that I really have no idea what normal feels like.

It is imperative that I stay hydrated (drinking atleast 80 ounces of water per day) and stay active. I'm also supposed to eat a lot of salt. I have to be careful about my eating habits, making sure I don't eat large meals, but many smaller ones. Can't have caffiene (which now includes chocolate!). And I'm constantly learning more 'do's and don't's'. Another frustrating thing is this sounds like "normal staying healthy tips" But the consequences that I get from not doing these things are not the consequences that a normal person would get. Mine knock me off my feet.

I wanted to explain this, because I definitely plan on blogging about it. One of the things that effects me the most about this disorder is not understanding what's going on and having no one to relate to (except my sister, who is dealing with the same things right now). I really have a tendency to be upset about the whole ordeal. I mean, its not a sensitive subject for me at all. I just wish I was normal sometimes. Its a good thing the rest of my life doesn't suck, because this part does. There's no way around that fact.

I know this is pretty 'debby downer' but the brightside is this: Now, I know what I'm up against. Before January, I felt defeated because I never felt well and didn't know why. Now I know! And, overall, I feel a thousand times better SINCE I've been diagnosed and treated. Life isn't a piece of cake for anybody, and I'm definitely not the exception. But life is a blessing-- Things could be a lot worse. I have a doctor. I have food when I want it. I have 80 ounces of water available to me each day. This just something to keep me humble. This helps me to need God.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light" Matthew 11: 28-30.

Major and Minor Keys

So, in a nutshell...

I hate school. Unfortunately, it has become a passion of mine. I have hated school for over a year now. I started college as a Music Education Major. There has only been 3 years of my entire life where I didn't want to be a music teacher, and those happened to be 3 of the years I was in school. I changed my major every August, until my senior year. That's when I decided that I had to stick with something so I could be done with classes. Therefore, I got stuck with being a Spanish major. I lack a lot of confidence in my Spanish skills, and only the Lord knows why He wanted me to get this degree. I'm self-conscious everytime someone asks what I'm majoring in, and I hate reading the different responses on their faces. No, I'm not fluent.

Being a foreign language major has opened up a whole new world of cultures to me. I am grateful for that. But, for now, I will be grateful when this last Spanish class is over (which will be on Thursday, praise the Lord. That is, of course, if I pass it. I have never failed a class before, but I'm always paranoid that I will. Sometimes I pray for a D's, and end up with straight B's. So, there's probably no need to worry about this grade, but I can't seem to help it.) After that, I'll be one online class away from graduating in August.

Although I passionately hate school-- I love college. I truly believe that my personality was made to be in a college environment. Its the perfect place to be involved in the lives of people around you. I love being in big groups of people, and I love having heart-to-hearts just one on one. I stay up late, and I love being loud.

This is one of many reasons why I am excited about the job I have. I'm going to be working with Campus Outreach, a college ministry on small college campuses all over the Southeast. I will be able to do all of the things I love to do--for a living. Isn't that what everyone dreams about? Better yet, I know it will be for the Glory of the Lord. Couldn't ask for anything more. Granted, it will be tough. A lot. But, at the root of it, I have to remember that it is such a blessing and a privilege.

I don't know how long I will work with Campus Outreach. I'll start with 3 years. I might continue to work with them, or I might consider other options depending on where the Lord has me. I have trouble seeing the value of planning for life too far in advance when 3 years ago had a completely different plan for my life. Who knows what things will be like 3 years from now.

Some options I have considered: teaching Spanish or English as a second language, finding another ministry to be a part of (especially overseas somewhere) or, if I'm really feelin' froggy-- Flight Attending. Sounds funny, but I think it'd be a blast! I love the idea of serving, meeting, and having long conversations with random people. Why not?

At the end of the day though, I miss the idea of teaching music. I have a strong passion for it, and I believe I'll end up doing that one way or another.


Proverbs 16:9 "The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."

An Understood Mystery

Well, here we are. Blogging. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I think I'll like it. I have no idea what will appear here in the days to come. Most likely it will be the important and unimportant details of my life. You can take them or leave them, but I'll be stuck with them. Enjoy~ or don't. It doesn't matter to me.

I feel like I struggle to understand myself and to sort my thoughts. Maybe this blog will help. But either way:


"O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar...Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether...Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it" Psalm 139.

I might be hard to understand, but I am understood.