I haven't blogged in a long time...
Today I need somewhere to vent about the D-word..."Dysautonomia"...
This is completely interfering with my life and I don't know how to make people understand. If I said I was puking my guts out then people wouldn't question my need to stay home one morning... but when I'm otherwise inhabilitated and I miss part of my day I feel like a failure... and "I didn't feel good" sounds wimpy.
I don't even know how to fully describe what I feel physically at those times. I just feel like I'm dying. Like doing anything but laying down and sleeping is excruciatingly hard. My legs feel like lead...my back feels weak and some times my muscles burn like they would during an extreme workout. My arms feel like jello. Some times I'm nauseous (like today) and sometimes I have a headache... sometimes I have chest pain or feeling like I have to remind my body to breathe. Honestly, its a little different every time... and I have weird things going on that I don't understand... tingly fingers, ears ringing, odd aches and pains...And I just have so little energy!!
Mostly if I just sleep it will pass... Which I did this morning.
"Where were you this morning?" ....? How do I explain this to someone? Especially because I really don't like drawing a lot of attention to it, because I'm afraid I'll be seen as weak or lazy or weird or crazy. "oh, I didn't feel good..." And I start hearing in my head what I think is going through their heads and its not good.
I just wish I didn't have this.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Living the Dream!
Here is my CELEBRATORY blog post! I have raised 100% of my support goal!!
Its supposed to feel like a huge weight off my shoulders and it does! ...but its not a completely closed chapter in my life since I still have to raise another 5% for a 'safety net' and will ultimately be living off, and therefore raising support for the rest of my time with C.O. I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around the reality that I'm out of the wilderness of support raising and I get to start on campus next Monday after Spring Break. BUT overall, its exciting! It feels like such a treat! A gift from God... just like my salvation! I'd love to be able to be at 105% by next Monday so its completely off my radar for awhile.
In other news -- I completely love my life. I could have been quoted saying "The only way my life could be better is if I was done raising support" ... well guess what! My life couldn't be any better! I'm in love with Florence, my church Redeemer (going through the New Members class in a few weeks!), my apartment, my roomies, my friends here.... and I love my sweet family that still loves me and is for me at home in Birmingham, and in Illinois. I've never been more content in my singleness, with no hint of bitterness in it. I'm livin' my dream! :) :)
I've got nothing that I HAVE to do today... which means I get to do a lot of stuff that I want to. And since I am an ESTP, I'm excited to just see what happens. I'm going to enjoy doing whatever it is I feel like doing and what the moment calls for. No to-do list for this girl-- and just watch how productive I'll be. Take that you J's!!
Here are my options: I'm currently reading 3 different books, with a 4th book (about myers briggs) that I've been studying a lot lately that I'd like to look at today... I'd like to finish organizing my bathroom and junk. I'd love to hang up all my awesome mirrors on my awesome mirror wall that I'm creating... I also have some TV to catch up on since I've been working on support all day everyday! haha!
I may do those things, or none of those things. and I love that. :)
Its supposed to feel like a huge weight off my shoulders and it does! ...but its not a completely closed chapter in my life since I still have to raise another 5% for a 'safety net' and will ultimately be living off, and therefore raising support for the rest of my time with C.O. I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around the reality that I'm out of the wilderness of support raising and I get to start on campus next Monday after Spring Break. BUT overall, its exciting! It feels like such a treat! A gift from God... just like my salvation! I'd love to be able to be at 105% by next Monday so its completely off my radar for awhile.
In other news -- I completely love my life. I could have been quoted saying "The only way my life could be better is if I was done raising support" ... well guess what! My life couldn't be any better! I'm in love with Florence, my church Redeemer (going through the New Members class in a few weeks!), my apartment, my roomies, my friends here.... and I love my sweet family that still loves me and is for me at home in Birmingham, and in Illinois. I've never been more content in my singleness, with no hint of bitterness in it. I'm livin' my dream! :) :)
I've got nothing that I HAVE to do today... which means I get to do a lot of stuff that I want to. And since I am an ESTP, I'm excited to just see what happens. I'm going to enjoy doing whatever it is I feel like doing and what the moment calls for. No to-do list for this girl-- and just watch how productive I'll be. Take that you J's!!
Here are my options: I'm currently reading 3 different books, with a 4th book (about myers briggs) that I've been studying a lot lately that I'd like to look at today... I'd like to finish organizing my bathroom and junk. I'd love to hang up all my awesome mirrors on my awesome mirror wall that I'm creating... I also have some TV to catch up on since I've been working on support all day everyday! haha!
I may do those things, or none of those things. and I love that. :)
Friday, January 6, 2012
Sufficient Redundancy--Continued
So, I'm back with more time to finish out my thoughts on the fact that Jesus taught his disciples to pray "Give us this DAY our DAILY bread."
In meditating on this line... I like to look at what it doesn't say... it doesn't say:
"Give us this day all the bread we'll need for this month."
"Give us this day some bread that we have to figure out when to use."
"Give us our daily bread at some point."
This verse is implying that God wants us to talk to him about what we need on a daily basis! And he wants to provide what we need on a daily basis!! Its saying we can receive from God everyday and its implying that the portion we'll get is exactly what we'll need for today! If I believe that Jesus knows what he's talking about... then I can trust that this will happen. I do not have to worry. He just wants to have a running dialogue with me. God is a relational being-- Just like we are! Just like I am... Let's have a daily relationship with him!
So, God has used a handful of situations in the past few days to show me this. You may think they seem silly... or coincidental. But I believe that God is a big God who had the power to create everything, therefore he has the power to play a role in every detail of my life... leaving no coincidences.
Tuesday night, I went to dinner with a friend. While we were catching up on life, we had no idea that I had left my headlights on. 2 hours later we come back to a dead car battery. Somehow, my keys got stuck in the ignition... so I couldn't get them out to unlock the trunk (which wouldn't pop) to get the jumper cables!
Now, this was happening before I listened to the seminar on prayer. So, of course I'm praying that we'll be able to get my car going again... but I'm also upset because I was supposed to drive to Florence the next day. (I was worrying about tomorrow!) Shortened version of this story: After trying and trying and trying...and after thinking we might have a bigger problem besides the battery... We got my car working again! As if nothing had ever happened! On that day... I had been blessed with friends and family who were helping me and checking on me, and a AAA man who could do the job. And ultimately, let's face it. I'm blessed to have a car in the first place!
On Wednesday, I travelled up to Florence, [that's when I listened to the seminar and prayed so much and began meditating on this verse to begin with) I had my phone glued to my hand like always. Thanks to my phone I was able to use GPS to find my way, and communicate with the people I was going there to see. Soon after that, my phone just quit working. The screen was completely blank. I could still hear it receiving text messages and phone calls... but I could do nothing about it. I was quick to tell myself... "okay... you don't NEED a cell phone... don't be a spoiled brat about this. God is giving you what you need today..." But I was also pissed about my phone not working and worrying about the drive back home to Birmingham the next day. (What about GPS then? what about the fact that just the night before my car was messed up! I don't want to be stranded on the interstate with no cell phone!!) But I put my faith in God's care and prayed again. "Give me this day my daily bread". I just accepted the fact that, contrary to what I wanted (my phone to WORK!) it obviously wasn't what I needed. I had friends with cell phones that allowed me to contact my family so they wouldn't be worried, and to communicate with Verizon about the situation. To my relief and gratefulness we got a new phone ordered. But, I wouldn't get it in the mail til Friday morning... leaving me to still trust that God would give me my daily bread tomorrow. I didn't love the fact that I was going to go 2 days without my cell phone, but my needs were met for that day. I just prepared myself to trust that same promise for the next day.
Thursday morning, I woke up with an understanding that, phone or no phone, I'd be taken care of. Sure enough, my phone was still not working. But it wasn't 10 minutes... before it mysteriously just WORKED! So, I was able to communicate with the 8 (yes, eight) people that I needed to that morning. And I was able to GPS my way back home. He had provided my daily bread again. And today, I should be getting a brand new, better phone in the mail.
There are a hundred more details that I could share of smaller complications on these days.. but ultimately I think my point is clear.
We should pray: Give us this DAY our DAILY bread.
Because God wants to give us what we need today.
For all you tweeps... you should follow @firstworldpains ... it is meant to be funny... but I find it to be humbling more than anything. We are so spoiled.
(Side note: Of course I believe in planning, and budgeting, and being wise in your decisions... I think
God wants us to do these things. But, we are called to trust in Him... not our plans and our budgets. He wants to show himself faithful to us. We need to rely on him, not on ourselves!)
In meditating on this line... I like to look at what it doesn't say... it doesn't say:
"Give us this day all the bread we'll need for this month."
"Give us this day some bread that we have to figure out when to use."
"Give us our daily bread at some point."
This verse is implying that God wants us to talk to him about what we need on a daily basis! And he wants to provide what we need on a daily basis!! Its saying we can receive from God everyday and its implying that the portion we'll get is exactly what we'll need for today! If I believe that Jesus knows what he's talking about... then I can trust that this will happen. I do not have to worry. He just wants to have a running dialogue with me. God is a relational being-- Just like we are! Just like I am... Let's have a daily relationship with him!
So, God has used a handful of situations in the past few days to show me this. You may think they seem silly... or coincidental. But I believe that God is a big God who had the power to create everything, therefore he has the power to play a role in every detail of my life... leaving no coincidences.
Tuesday night, I went to dinner with a friend. While we were catching up on life, we had no idea that I had left my headlights on. 2 hours later we come back to a dead car battery. Somehow, my keys got stuck in the ignition... so I couldn't get them out to unlock the trunk (which wouldn't pop) to get the jumper cables!
Now, this was happening before I listened to the seminar on prayer. So, of course I'm praying that we'll be able to get my car going again... but I'm also upset because I was supposed to drive to Florence the next day. (I was worrying about tomorrow!) Shortened version of this story: After trying and trying and trying...and after thinking we might have a bigger problem besides the battery... We got my car working again! As if nothing had ever happened! On that day... I had been blessed with friends and family who were helping me and checking on me, and a AAA man who could do the job. And ultimately, let's face it. I'm blessed to have a car in the first place!
On Wednesday, I travelled up to Florence, [that's when I listened to the seminar and prayed so much and began meditating on this verse to begin with) I had my phone glued to my hand like always. Thanks to my phone I was able to use GPS to find my way, and communicate with the people I was going there to see. Soon after that, my phone just quit working. The screen was completely blank. I could still hear it receiving text messages and phone calls... but I could do nothing about it. I was quick to tell myself... "okay... you don't NEED a cell phone... don't be a spoiled brat about this. God is giving you what you need today..." But I was also pissed about my phone not working and worrying about the drive back home to Birmingham the next day. (What about GPS then? what about the fact that just the night before my car was messed up! I don't want to be stranded on the interstate with no cell phone!!) But I put my faith in God's care and prayed again. "Give me this day my daily bread". I just accepted the fact that, contrary to what I wanted (my phone to WORK!) it obviously wasn't what I needed. I had friends with cell phones that allowed me to contact my family so they wouldn't be worried, and to communicate with Verizon about the situation. To my relief and gratefulness we got a new phone ordered. But, I wouldn't get it in the mail til Friday morning... leaving me to still trust that God would give me my daily bread tomorrow. I didn't love the fact that I was going to go 2 days without my cell phone, but my needs were met for that day. I just prepared myself to trust that same promise for the next day.
Thursday morning, I woke up with an understanding that, phone or no phone, I'd be taken care of. Sure enough, my phone was still not working. But it wasn't 10 minutes... before it mysteriously just WORKED! So, I was able to communicate with the 8 (yes, eight) people that I needed to that morning. And I was able to GPS my way back home. He had provided my daily bread again. And today, I should be getting a brand new, better phone in the mail.
There are a hundred more details that I could share of smaller complications on these days.. but ultimately I think my point is clear.
We should pray: Give us this DAY our DAILY bread.
Because God wants to give us what we need today.
| |||
For all you tweeps... you should follow @firstworldpains ... it is meant to be funny... but I find it to be humbling more than anything. We are so spoiled.
(Side note: Of course I believe in planning, and budgeting, and being wise in your decisions... I think
God wants us to do these things. But, we are called to trust in Him... not our plans and our budgets. He wants to show himself faithful to us. We need to rely on him, not on ourselves!)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Sufficient Redundancy
My awesome new roommate is on a blogging kick. I'm so glad because I'm hoping it will remind me that I have one too! I want to utilize it more! As I've written on here before... I'm becoming inconsistently consistent, which is better than consistently inconsistent. In 2010 I wrote 3 blogs, all in the month of May. In 2011, I wrote 3 blogs... spread out throughout the year. Lets see what 2012 does!
I've been learning so much lately. Too much to document it all. But, I thought I'd share just what I've learned in the last 24 hours.
Yesterday I listened to a seminar by Olan Stubbs on www.conationalconference.com (shoutout!) about prayer. I'm always looking for some solid teaching on this subject. I know a lot of the "right answers" to the questions that come up in my heart about prayer...yet my mind still runs in those circles that can leave me confused. The understanding of the 'right answers' play tug of war with these thoughts: If God already knows what I want... why do I have to pray it? If God's going to do His will and not mine, then isn't it a waste of time? I already know he's loving and is going to take care of me... So, I'll just let him do his thing. Why should I tell him how to run my life?? If God doesn't relate to me based on what I do, then I can't earn things from him by being a good pray-er... And, he's not a magic lamp in the sky... Praying for things is just treating him like one. Besides... when I pray I start to feel like I deserve the answer. So doesn't praying lead me away from the gospel instead of towards it??
Normally I fight these thoughts against prayer WITH prayer. Luckily I've always been able to be blunt and honest and raw with God. I pray- "God, I don't get this. But I want to. Change that in me! And despite the fact that my heart doesn't understand...Your word says that you want me to pray, so here I am."
Don't get me wrong here... I have had many great, fruitful, meaningful and relational seasons of prayer. I actually kick myself for not being faithful to pray, when He has always been so faithful to answer every time!
When I heard Olan talk about the relational side of prayer it was not news to me. My heart was even giving some 'amens!' I know that the purpose and answer to those questions are to align my heart with God's heart.
I listened to this seminar on a 2.5 hour drive... so when I was done, I had plenty of time to pray through what I learned. I noticed that I was able to pray really confidently about small details of my life. "Lord... I have no idea if I have the right amount of air in my tires... just... let it be right." Why was it so easy for me to pray a prayer like that... when I could also admit it seemed silly?! And, when it was time to pray "Lord, please finish my support. Please help me to get to 80% this month." or even bolder... "Let me reach 105% this month!" ... when it was time to pray that.. I couldn't do so with as much confidence.
Well... I asked myself that question. I asked God that question. What I started to realize was this: If my tires exploded right then and there on the interstate and I was stranded... I'd still be confident that He was still God, He was still good, and He was working that situation out for my benefit.
I remember a time when I couldn't do that. In my constant effort to sort through this difficulty in the area of prayer... I have prayed that he would help me pray more confidently. He answered that prayer! I'm not afraid to ask for those little things, because I don't have to fear that if I don't get an answer it might shake my faith!
So... why don't I have that same confidence in that big prayer? It occurred to me that if that super specific prayer wasn't answered... it might rock that boat a little bit. My thoughts would be: "God! What the heck?! What I asked for was a good thing! Its a thing you should want too! Why are you not giving it to me? Are you really good? Cause that kind of seems like a jerk move. My prayer was good, and your answer was not... "
WOW. How revealing! So now that God showed that to me... I was able to pray "Lord, give me an understanding that no matter what answer you give me to my big prayers You are God, You are good! I have a reason sing! I have a reason to worship!! My outlook had completely changed! I was borderline wanting to pray "God, Don't finish my support! So I can love you for it!" (whattt? that's absurd?! You mean, I'd rather have the giver? not the gift?) This helped me apply what Olan explained so well... God is not like a coke machine. You don't get to just put in a prayer and get out an answer. But you want to know why? Cause you don't have to get intimate with a coke machine... until it doesn't give you your coke. That's when you start wrestling with it, beating it, cussin it, and stay right by it until you get your coke. When God does that, he's not being mean... He's being relational. If the goal is to get God, not his gifts... then sometimes with holding the gifts helps us get God. What a better blessing!
This is helping me repent of the areas in which I'd rather have the creation, not the creator. Thank you, God for this grace!
Olan also mentioned the quote "Pray until you pray" -- Thats what this was all about.
Ya know, this was only ONE of at least 2 big lessons he taught me in the last 24 hours.
I'm getting a lot out of what Olan pointed out about the line "Give us this day our daily bread" ...give us this DAY? our DAILY bread? Why so repetitive? I prayed that probably 15 times yesterday.. just meditating on it and trying to soak a lot out of it. Give me today what I need today... If you'd like to know those details holla at me... cause even though that was the point I was leading to in this whole thing (and the reasoning behind the title of this entry) I've been writing this out for forever and I gotta get on with my day. Maybe I'll come back and finish out these thoughts later... but lets be honest... I might not be back for another 6 months.
God is God. He is Good. We have a reason to sing, we have a reason to worship!!
I've been learning so much lately. Too much to document it all. But, I thought I'd share just what I've learned in the last 24 hours.
Yesterday I listened to a seminar by Olan Stubbs on www.conationalconference.com (shoutout!) about prayer. I'm always looking for some solid teaching on this subject. I know a lot of the "right answers" to the questions that come up in my heart about prayer...yet my mind still runs in those circles that can leave me confused. The understanding of the 'right answers' play tug of war with these thoughts: If God already knows what I want... why do I have to pray it? If God's going to do His will and not mine, then isn't it a waste of time? I already know he's loving and is going to take care of me... So, I'll just let him do his thing. Why should I tell him how to run my life?? If God doesn't relate to me based on what I do, then I can't earn things from him by being a good pray-er... And, he's not a magic lamp in the sky... Praying for things is just treating him like one. Besides... when I pray I start to feel like I deserve the answer. So doesn't praying lead me away from the gospel instead of towards it??
Normally I fight these thoughts against prayer WITH prayer. Luckily I've always been able to be blunt and honest and raw with God. I pray- "God, I don't get this. But I want to. Change that in me! And despite the fact that my heart doesn't understand...Your word says that you want me to pray, so here I am."
Don't get me wrong here... I have had many great, fruitful, meaningful and relational seasons of prayer. I actually kick myself for not being faithful to pray, when He has always been so faithful to answer every time!
When I heard Olan talk about the relational side of prayer it was not news to me. My heart was even giving some 'amens!' I know that the purpose and answer to those questions are to align my heart with God's heart.
I listened to this seminar on a 2.5 hour drive... so when I was done, I had plenty of time to pray through what I learned. I noticed that I was able to pray really confidently about small details of my life. "Lord... I have no idea if I have the right amount of air in my tires... just... let it be right." Why was it so easy for me to pray a prayer like that... when I could also admit it seemed silly?! And, when it was time to pray "Lord, please finish my support. Please help me to get to 80% this month." or even bolder... "Let me reach 105% this month!" ... when it was time to pray that.. I couldn't do so with as much confidence.
Well... I asked myself that question. I asked God that question. What I started to realize was this: If my tires exploded right then and there on the interstate and I was stranded... I'd still be confident that He was still God, He was still good, and He was working that situation out for my benefit.
I remember a time when I couldn't do that. In my constant effort to sort through this difficulty in the area of prayer... I have prayed that he would help me pray more confidently. He answered that prayer! I'm not afraid to ask for those little things, because I don't have to fear that if I don't get an answer it might shake my faith!
So... why don't I have that same confidence in that big prayer? It occurred to me that if that super specific prayer wasn't answered... it might rock that boat a little bit. My thoughts would be: "God! What the heck?! What I asked for was a good thing! Its a thing you should want too! Why are you not giving it to me? Are you really good? Cause that kind of seems like a jerk move. My prayer was good, and your answer was not... "
WOW. How revealing! So now that God showed that to me... I was able to pray "Lord, give me an understanding that no matter what answer you give me to my big prayers You are God, You are good! I have a reason sing! I have a reason to worship!! My outlook had completely changed! I was borderline wanting to pray "God, Don't finish my support! So I can love you for it!" (whattt? that's absurd?! You mean, I'd rather have the giver? not the gift?) This helped me apply what Olan explained so well... God is not like a coke machine. You don't get to just put in a prayer and get out an answer. But you want to know why? Cause you don't have to get intimate with a coke machine... until it doesn't give you your coke. That's when you start wrestling with it, beating it, cussin it, and stay right by it until you get your coke. When God does that, he's not being mean... He's being relational. If the goal is to get God, not his gifts... then sometimes with holding the gifts helps us get God. What a better blessing!
This is helping me repent of the areas in which I'd rather have the creation, not the creator. Thank you, God for this grace!
Olan also mentioned the quote "Pray until you pray" -- Thats what this was all about.
Ya know, this was only ONE of at least 2 big lessons he taught me in the last 24 hours.
I'm getting a lot out of what Olan pointed out about the line "Give us this day our daily bread" ...give us this DAY? our DAILY bread? Why so repetitive? I prayed that probably 15 times yesterday.. just meditating on it and trying to soak a lot out of it. Give me today what I need today... If you'd like to know those details holla at me... cause even though that was the point I was leading to in this whole thing (and the reasoning behind the title of this entry) I've been writing this out for forever and I gotta get on with my day. Maybe I'll come back and finish out these thoughts later... but lets be honest... I might not be back for another 6 months.
God is God. He is Good. We have a reason to sing, we have a reason to worship!!
Friday, August 19, 2011
You can't DO what is DONE
Wow, it has been quite a day.
(I'm having a night of extreme tiredness yet insomnia...it's like I'm so tired that my brain doesn't want to function or be productive in anyway... but I could probably go run a mile right now. It's annoying. I keep typing like have a sentence and then stopping for a full minute before I can complete a thought. So excuse me if this is ridiculous in grammar, typos, or repetitiveness... Good thing I have spell check!)
Anyways, as I was laying in bed trying to sleep I was thinking about how great God is. So, I thought I'd share.
I'd like to preface this with some truth that we may understand with our minds, yet tend to run from in our hearts. Because of Christ's work on the cross, we no long have to work to earn God's forgiveness or love. Because "It is finished!" There is weight of sin that was taken off of us and placed on Christ... so we no longer have anything to dig ourselves out from underneath. A true believer understands that God's acceptance and affection for us is not based on our ability to uphold any level of perfection. This something that has been written on my heart. Yet, there are many situations that pull me into the direction of subconsciously believing otherwise.
I'm not a 'got it all together' kinda girl. I don't make my bed. I don't always fold my clothes... I don't always go to bed or wake up at normal hours. I'm the most productive at the last minute, so it always seems like I'm not on the ball about stuff... I don't like locking myself into strict schedules... I watch junk on TV. I don't like to admit to myself that I'm not very punctual nor am I the best driver on the road... And, these are just shallow surface-y things. When I think about what I "should' be like... I think about people who do those things that I don't. I start comparing myself to other people, instead of comparing myself to Christ- which would humble me and bring me back to the gospel.
In those times when I'm bogged down by what I'm not doing well... My heart doesn't believe that God can really be pleased by me. I know what's true... so I pray that God would help me believe the truth that He does not judge me based on what I do, but on what Christ has done.
Just last night... I was also laying in bed trying to sleep.. and I was praying that exact prayer.
Since last October I've been raising financial support to work with Campus Outreach. It was understood from the beginning that I wouldn't know what campus I'd be at until I raised 80% of my goal. I have been so extremely grateful to have someone else- a sweet friend of mine - going through the same process as me!! We started around the same time, and have travelled the ups and downs of this together! Countless times, we have thanked God for one another. Yesterday, she found out what campus she'd be going to!! It was so exciting! I couldn't be more happy for her!
But later, the Accuser was trying to make me believe that if I had DONE more.. put forth more effort... crossed more t's and dotted more i's... then I wouldn't have been left in the dust in support raising and I could be placed on a campus now too... it was working.
So last night, I was praying that the Lord would make my heart believe His word... that his gifts and blessings weren't contingent on how well I perform. Ultimately, HE is in control. I can't say the wrong thing to the right people, or the right thing to the wrong people. He is orchestrating the details of my support raising like a symphony with a perfect tempo... with all the dissonance and resolve placed perfectly to make it beautiful. "God, help me to believe that your not keeping me from getting to 80% and from knowing where I'll be because of how well or how poorly I've performed my support raising duties...Help me to be faithful in them! But, not look to them as the cause and effect of your love"
...
Well, I was tossing and turning until well after 3. Next thing I knew, it was morning and my phone was ringing... After 3 missed calls and a text message, I snapped out of my coma -- They wanted to make it official. I was placed on a campus EARLY!
It took hours for the news to really sink in... So many details and so much excitement!! I was not expecting to get this news for a long time -- I was supposed to find pledges to cover 23% of my goal first!
I didn't have to DO one more thing in order to get this sweet gift from God. He wanted to show me that.
(I'm having a night of extreme tiredness yet insomnia...it's like I'm so tired that my brain doesn't want to function or be productive in anyway... but I could probably go run a mile right now. It's annoying. I keep typing like have a sentence and then stopping for a full minute before I can complete a thought. So excuse me if this is ridiculous in grammar, typos, or repetitiveness... Good thing I have spell check!)
Anyways, as I was laying in bed trying to sleep I was thinking about how great God is. So, I thought I'd share.
I'd like to preface this with some truth that we may understand with our minds, yet tend to run from in our hearts. Because of Christ's work on the cross, we no long have to work to earn God's forgiveness or love. Because "It is finished!" There is weight of sin that was taken off of us and placed on Christ... so we no longer have anything to dig ourselves out from underneath. A true believer understands that God's acceptance and affection for us is not based on our ability to uphold any level of perfection. This something that has been written on my heart. Yet, there are many situations that pull me into the direction of subconsciously believing otherwise.
I'm not a 'got it all together' kinda girl. I don't make my bed. I don't always fold my clothes... I don't always go to bed or wake up at normal hours. I'm the most productive at the last minute, so it always seems like I'm not on the ball about stuff... I don't like locking myself into strict schedules... I watch junk on TV. I don't like to admit to myself that I'm not very punctual nor am I the best driver on the road... And, these are just shallow surface-y things. When I think about what I "should' be like... I think about people who do those things that I don't. I start comparing myself to other people, instead of comparing myself to Christ- which would humble me and bring me back to the gospel.
In those times when I'm bogged down by what I'm not doing well... My heart doesn't believe that God can really be pleased by me. I know what's true... so I pray that God would help me believe the truth that He does not judge me based on what I do, but on what Christ has done.
Just last night... I was also laying in bed trying to sleep.. and I was praying that exact prayer.
Since last October I've been raising financial support to work with Campus Outreach. It was understood from the beginning that I wouldn't know what campus I'd be at until I raised 80% of my goal. I have been so extremely grateful to have someone else- a sweet friend of mine - going through the same process as me!! We started around the same time, and have travelled the ups and downs of this together! Countless times, we have thanked God for one another. Yesterday, she found out what campus she'd be going to!! It was so exciting! I couldn't be more happy for her!
But later, the Accuser was trying to make me believe that if I had DONE more.. put forth more effort... crossed more t's and dotted more i's... then I wouldn't have been left in the dust in support raising and I could be placed on a campus now too... it was working.
So last night, I was praying that the Lord would make my heart believe His word... that his gifts and blessings weren't contingent on how well I perform. Ultimately, HE is in control. I can't say the wrong thing to the right people, or the right thing to the wrong people. He is orchestrating the details of my support raising like a symphony with a perfect tempo... with all the dissonance and resolve placed perfectly to make it beautiful. "God, help me to believe that your not keeping me from getting to 80% and from knowing where I'll be because of how well or how poorly I've performed my support raising duties...Help me to be faithful in them! But, not look to them as the cause and effect of your love"
...
Well, I was tossing and turning until well after 3. Next thing I knew, it was morning and my phone was ringing... After 3 missed calls and a text message, I snapped out of my coma -- They wanted to make it official. I was placed on a campus EARLY!
It took hours for the news to really sink in... So many details and so much excitement!! I was not expecting to get this news for a long time -- I was supposed to find pledges to cover 23% of my goal first!
I didn't have to DO one more thing in order to get this sweet gift from God. He wanted to show me that.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Walking Blindly
I remember hearing several metaphors growing up that I took literally. For example, my very first favorite song (was released in 1990 so I was only about 2) was "Put Yourself in My Shoes" by Clint Black... its a clever song about seeing things from each others perspective to work out your problems, with a witty line 'if I could only put myself in your shoes, I'd walk right back to me' Well, as a non-2 year old, I understand what this line is supposed to mean, but at the time-- I vividly remember picturing Clint Black walking around in red high-heels.
Also, 'listen with your heart' I think I got this one from Pocahontas... I remember sitting on the steps of my back porch with my fingers in my ears, trying to drown out the noise of everything else besides my heart. Obviously, I didn't hear anything.
Luckily I never experimented with "walking by faith and not by sight" as a young kid. Coulda been bad. But lately, I've been learning so much about what it means to do that.
I've been raising support to work with Campus Outreach for over 6 months. Before I started, I said I was excited about the challenge it would bring because I knew I'd have no other options but to depend on the Lord. Boy, has that been true. I was well trained in how to do it, and I knew what needed to be done, but I had to lean on the Lord to keep me going, and to produce results. In a way, I was walking by faith... but I was also walking by sight. I could see how results were possible and probable. But now, as my contact list is looking trim, I'm being forced to walk by faith alone.
This is really scary. And now would be the time I would expect myself to be super discourage and near a meltdown. Instead, I am learning so much about faith, that I am welcoming this. Of course I've had faith in things before. But its definition was intangible to me. And although its hard to put into words here, I'm seeing the act of having faith take form.
I could consider my first priority be support raising. But ultimately, my first priority is to fix my eyes on Him. He will guide my steps as I continue to work toward my goal.
I have faith that the Lord will provide for me to do His will. I cannot see how He will do it. But I believe He is at work.
The words of this song perfectly describe this:
"By faith the church was called to go
In the power of the Spirit to the lost
To deliver captives and to preach good news
In every corner of the earth
We will stand as children of the promise
We will fix our eyes on Him our soul's reward
Till the race is finished and the work is done
We'll walk by faith and not by sight
By faith this mountain shall be moved
And the power of the gospel shall prevail
For we know in Christ all things are possible
For all who call upon His name"
- 'By Faith' by Keith and Kristyn Getty
Also, 'listen with your heart' I think I got this one from Pocahontas... I remember sitting on the steps of my back porch with my fingers in my ears, trying to drown out the noise of everything else besides my heart. Obviously, I didn't hear anything.
Luckily I never experimented with "walking by faith and not by sight" as a young kid. Coulda been bad. But lately, I've been learning so much about what it means to do that.
I've been raising support to work with Campus Outreach for over 6 months. Before I started, I said I was excited about the challenge it would bring because I knew I'd have no other options but to depend on the Lord. Boy, has that been true. I was well trained in how to do it, and I knew what needed to be done, but I had to lean on the Lord to keep me going, and to produce results. In a way, I was walking by faith... but I was also walking by sight. I could see how results were possible and probable. But now, as my contact list is looking trim, I'm being forced to walk by faith alone.
This is really scary. And now would be the time I would expect myself to be super discourage and near a meltdown. Instead, I am learning so much about faith, that I am welcoming this. Of course I've had faith in things before. But its definition was intangible to me. And although its hard to put into words here, I'm seeing the act of having faith take form.
I could consider my first priority be support raising. But ultimately, my first priority is to fix my eyes on Him. He will guide my steps as I continue to work toward my goal.
I have faith that the Lord will provide for me to do His will. I cannot see how He will do it. But I believe He is at work.
The words of this song perfectly describe this:
"By faith the church was called to go
In the power of the Spirit to the lost
To deliver captives and to preach good news
In every corner of the earth
We will stand as children of the promise
We will fix our eyes on Him our soul's reward
Till the race is finished and the work is done
We'll walk by faith and not by sight
By faith this mountain shall be moved
And the power of the gospel shall prevail
For we know in Christ all things are possible
For all who call upon His name"
- 'By Faith' by Keith and Kristyn Getty
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Somewhere in between Consistently Inconsistent and Inconsistently Consistent.
A couple weeks ago I found one of the many journals I kept as a kid. This one was very similar to all the others. It started with a decent entry... then the next page i had drawn several flowers... the rest was empty.
Its been 9 months since I've written a post on here. Typical.
It'd be typical for me to say "A lot has changed, but a lot has stayed the same"... but really, just a lot has changed. Everyday I get farther away from life on campus as a student and closer to life on campus as a...non-student. This in between part is weird.
In the last 9 months, I was a Team Leader at SBPX, had the best summer I've ever had...ever. I graduated from the University of Montevallo with a Foreign Language degree. That's fitting, since Spanish is still foreign to me. I have been on the road toward raising my support to go on staff with Campus Outreach, and I've raised 18.8% of it. I've worked at a Waffle House and a Daycare.
You could describe my life as consistently inconsistent. In the past, I struggled with not finishing things that I started. That's something I've wanted to grow in for a while. I'd say now.. I have become more consistent. I am moving toward being the type of person who finishes what she starts. I am consistent now... just inconsistently.
Now, if that isn't just a bunch of babble, I don't know what is.
Its been 9 months since I've written a post on here. Typical.
It'd be typical for me to say "A lot has changed, but a lot has stayed the same"... but really, just a lot has changed. Everyday I get farther away from life on campus as a student and closer to life on campus as a...non-student. This in between part is weird.
In the last 9 months, I was a Team Leader at SBPX, had the best summer I've ever had...ever. I graduated from the University of Montevallo with a Foreign Language degree. That's fitting, since Spanish is still foreign to me. I have been on the road toward raising my support to go on staff with Campus Outreach, and I've raised 18.8% of it. I've worked at a Waffle House and a Daycare.
You could describe my life as consistently inconsistent. In the past, I struggled with not finishing things that I started. That's something I've wanted to grow in for a while. I'd say now.. I have become more consistent. I am moving toward being the type of person who finishes what she starts. I am consistent now... just inconsistently.
Now, if that isn't just a bunch of babble, I don't know what is.
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